Sunday, September 26, 2004
i hate my home. i feel so strained at home, no freedom. i see no pt in going home. the only thing worth going home is my dog. pathetic. my dad doesnt come home until 1 or 2 in the night. my mum always scolds me and when she is in a bad mood, whatever i do is wrong. somehow i will get pulled down. my brother loves to irritate me. and today my mum said something that made me hate my home more. mum: aiya jinhong help me do lah u noe we like the younger more mah... i was so hurt. they have always been bias seen young. i have been tolerating for so long. everything is my fault. when i say unfair, i get slapped or scolded by my dad. my mum will say that i am calculative. of course it is unfair! i dun care if u like my brother more. juz...juz leave me alone! everything my brother does wrong is my fault and why? its cuz ur sister did not set a gd eg. then i get scolded. then my mum has very high expectations of me. she expects me to get straight As but does she noe that i can never be perfect? recently my results are dropping. but i noe if i dun get good results at the end of the year. i am doomed. my mum will never let me do anything i want. i am not one who spends a lot, loves shopping or what. i juz need to go out to play. juz letting me play basketball is enough. but my mum juz refuses. if i dun get into trip sc...my life is gone. my mum will never let me join any rcy activities. she said that if i ever want to join any activities like ndp i must get 1st. but i noe i wun get it. if i cant even be enthu in rcy...i dun noe what am i living for. i am living for the sake of results RESULTS. my mum always compare compare and compare it is forveer evelyn this evelyn that why cant u be like evelyn? if u like evelyn so much u might as well adopt her. but i do not hate evelyn i am sorry i have to type this out.
what kind of home is this? i dun need u to shower me with lots of love pamper me or give me everything i want. i am very easily contented. i juz pray for one day when i dun get scolded. juz one day please... i cant take it anymore. i have my limits.
Defense is paper thin. juz let me slip away...
zhenluan @ Sunday, September 26, 2004
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Wednesday, September 22, 2004
i am so screwed. i am sure gonna fail my maths again and my mum will surely hang me upside down. i am so tired. everyday sleep so late. it is not i dun wan to slp but i cant. i am super active at night but super lazy in the aftnn. i sleep so late the next day i regret it. arrghh! dying. now i am slacking here dun feel like studying. i feel like going to play basketball boos no one at home to play with me. bro went tution. i ended up playing myself BORIng. then i go and do somemore exercise. siao again. i realise if i start doing exercise i cant stop. haha. now my hands so tired but still can type lah haha. sweating like hell...
oh ya sry shin broke the pig's ears. poor pig haha. haix i am so sick of studying and the exams haven even begun? dead man. guess i must learn fr sher do assessment until like hell until i breakdown haha... the tennis ball is not effective now...the pig...i cant bear to mutilate it anymore. maybe the wall will work...yea sher?
zhenluan @ Wednesday, September 22, 2004
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Monday, September 20, 2004
arrgghhhh someone help me!!!! i simply cannot hold on anymore! i look at the maths qns and my mind is totally blank! all the qns i dunno how to do and maths is like so damn impt!!!! i am close to tears already. i dun think i can make it. but i must make it! if i dun i will die. seeing all my frens study makes me so STRESSED. they all seem to know EVRYTHING but i noe NOTHING. i am losing my grip on everything. cant concentrate.no perserverance.then cant sleep.cant focus in clz.nothing gets into my head.i really feel like banging my head on the wall. have never felt so stressed b4. my hair is dropping. i haf more white hair. losing my appetite.never eat so much liao.piles of untouched bks on my table. i dunno wad is happening!!!!! i dun think i can hold on until 13 oct. the stress balls are really coming into handy. i am SQUEEZING them SOO hard.i really feel liek following wad shin wei did....
i MUST study
i WILL NOT procrastinate
i MUST persevere
i MUST get good grades
or i simply can juz die.
zhenluan @ Monday, September 20, 2004
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Friday, September 17, 2004
my life is already so damn screwed up.why must "you" always make my life so difficult? why must you make me live each day in fear and anxiety? have you had enough? is it enough? i've had enough! I CANT STAND IT ANYMORE! wad exactly do you want? do u want to see me so drained then you are happy? i am sick and tired now.stressed becuz of exam. having this doesnt help i am so drained already. thinking about wad happened last time is so horrible. i have learnt a PAINFUL lesson and do u noe this changed my life? i do not want to be like this! and i noe this is not the ending. it has only just began.tell me wad do u want?
Hope dangles on a string, like slow spinning redemption.
zhenluan @ Friday, September 17, 2004
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Tuesday, September 07, 2004
i finally understand but somehow it is too late for me, esp for regrets.
zhenluan @ Tuesday, September 07, 2004
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it is now on my table staring back at me cuz i currently dun need it haha. thnx shin aniwae realli v cute. thurs-stuck for DRY jobs sianx stupid man cant believe arrghhh. gonna be damn boring imagine no water? wads the pt haix aniwae i even if i insist on goin wet one i will feel guilty contaminating the tank haha. ate a lot today kaoz haha and well shin lighter really cool.
zhenluan @ Tuesday, September 07, 2004
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it is now on my table staring back at me cuz i currently dun need it haha. thnx shin aniwae realli v cute. thurs-stuck for DRY jobs sianx stupid man cant believe arrghhh. gonna be damn boring imagine no water? wads the pt haix aniwae i even if i insist on goin wet one i will feel guilty contaminating the tank haha. ate a lot today kaoz haha and well shin lighter really cool.
zhenluan @ Tuesday, September 07, 2004
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Monday, September 06, 2004
if i am already starting to feel drained,tired how am i going to last to survive? i really doubt my ability to do it. i lack the willpower, discipline to do it. i cant focus cant concentrate i seriously am gonna suffer fr the consequences. i constantly tell myself tt i mus i mus and i will but i procrastinate at the rate i am going...i am nv gonna make it.
i seriously need a dream interpreter yea e? v interested to noe wad all they mean. but they are v weird and nt to mention yesterday's dream. HORRIFYING. cant believe it man i was so spooked aft tt. tmr goin to sentosa for ipw thingy cant wait they say its fun.
will you show me the way when i am lost?
zhenluan @ Monday, September 06, 2004
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Sunday, September 05, 2004
yesterday at about 3pm a war broke out at my hse...the two armies are my MUM and BRO.ahha lame mum came home fr parents session so....you can guess wad happened hell man. hell for my bro and hell for me the most innocent party....k nvm then later i went cycling had about 4!!! accidents. but hey i survived.1st- wheel went into those small drains in the road.almost got thrown off my bicycle 2nd- while making a turn almost rammed into those giant lillies again.3rd-i almost scratched a car 4th- i almost got KNOCKED down by a car. and the BEST thing is my bicylce is SPOILT. chain came off suddenly had to push my bicycle all the way home sianx.hols now but i super sianx.ayex study again.haix
zhenluan @ Sunday, September 05, 2004
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Thursday, September 02, 2004
hey dun think so much yar.told you liao dun understand ask me lah aiyo. and YL i am gonna kill you...well everything seems ok now but i think not me though.haix dunno wads wrong stress bah...esp my mum.arrgghh.thnx e for ur tennis ball guess i realli need to use it.oh yar you 2 out there you noe hu u r so glad you all called.guess is juz a case of communication breakdown bah haha. you all dun think so much k.juz wanna say thnx to mel,e,shin and you 2 out there juz thnx for evrything. yar i noe i a bit the weird but well lets juz say tts juz me i guess haha yar.need some time k i noe i changed dunno wad happened too but it will be over i guess yupx juz thnx for evrything and being there.
zhenluan @ Thursday, September 02, 2004
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Wednesday, September 01, 2004
lately dunno wad i am doing kinda weird cant focus but nvm...seem to be drownng myself in my cl revision but nuthin seems to get into my head total waste of time. slept late last nite but woke up early automatically ema was so surprised. ate my breakfast at top speed dunno for wad then went to watch vcd. but it was so boring i gave up and went to slp...again. then later revise bro played the com luckily he had the courtesy to turn down the vol... then late lunch ate finish slp again? dunno why so tired then late revise..revise until i was so bored wanted to go sumwhere but dunno where.then went out buy sumthign to eat then REVISE AGAIN.but liek i said nuthin went in i am so damn gonna fail it tmr. but pray hard i wun already failed once mum will defintely kill me was so damn BORED to DEATH...absolutely nuthin to do or dunno wad to do.craze.luckily e saved me with her fone call.apparently she was equally bored. then late when to cycle around the neighbourhood then sweat liek hell legs jelly but i cont to do somemore exercise...situps...pushups and so. come to think of it dunno why i did tt cuz now i am v tired... oh yes feel very guilty cuz well mel you shld noe why i guess...though it is like damn obvious wad our intentions were... but hu cares...
i am weary from the battles that rage in my head.
zhenluan @ Wednesday, September 01, 2004
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